Posts Tagged ‘RESOLVED’

RESOLVED: You Look Ridiculous In Your Cincinnati Reds Cap

April 15, 2009

Some quick detective work resolves a long-festering query – Why does everyone suddenly love the Reds? – but raises new concerns about false idols, misappropriated symbols, and tough-guy conformity. We’re through the looking glass, bitchez.

redscapI started seeing them around New York a few months ago, flashes of red I’d catch from the corner of my eye. On the subway. At the bodega. Cincinnati Reds baseball caps on seemingly every wannabe thug in New York, like they’d all e-mailed each other about their winter wardrobe or made a group trip to Lids. Some caps were flat-brimmed; others shaped. Always bright red, though, and worn with an attitude that seemed to say “don’t f*ck with me.” I totally could have done just that, but figured it wasn’t worth the trouble. I mean I’ve got kids to think about.

It was only recently that I actually decided to research this phenomenon and figure out just why the Cincinnati Reds, who are hardly a winning or popular team, are so appealing to the local BMF population. Was one of their players a convicted felon? Did it have something to do with the city’s famous chili? I should have figured out that the answer would be more inane than anything I could conjure up. The reason everyone wears these caps is 1) because they’re red… which is the color of blood… which is also the color of the Bloods street gang and 2) because Weezy and The Game do it. Awesome! You guys are total posers!

Keep reading more ill-informed cultural analysis!

RESOLVED: Valentine’s Day Is Not “Designed To Make You Feel Bad”

February 12, 2009

The big day is less than 40 hours away and sad-sackery has reached fever pitch. Time to put down the Chubby Hubby, people!


It happens every year. January rolls into February, and almost overnight millions of American singles – both men and women – become walking Cathy cartoons. Those afflicted are easy to spot, violently wincing through the greeting card aisle of their nearby pharmacy; crying at work when you ask a question like “any special plans?” or “so what’s new?” As February nears its mid-point, symptoms worsen. They avoid most public settings. Like bulls, the color red drives them to near madness. The fast-approaching low point is usually dictated by gender, women hitting the ice cream freezer and settling in for a Gilmore Girls marathon; men grabbing a sixer of Coors and the just-released Swimsuit Issue. Either way, both camps “want to effing die.”

The cause of this epidemic? Valentine’s Day. Or “that holiday Hallmark invented.” Or “that conformist celebration of commodified puppy love.” Or “why do you have a boyfriend and I don’t?” Your loudly depressed friend could go on for days.

Keep reading!