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Posts Tagged ‘McDonald’s’

The One Where We Say Goodbye

April 20, 2012

Well, here we are. Four years, 300+ posts, and shockingly few personal changes later we’ve arrived at the end of the line. It’s not that there’s nothing more to say — in the realm of personal blogging there is always more to say — but that, for two 25-year-old guys with non-childish aspirations…it’s time to put away childish things. (Writing about real-life Hamburglars could not fit this any more perfectly.) Near the end of The Return of the King, Gandalf tells Pippin of a “far, green country” that lay beyond death. In no so many ways that’s where DJ Steve and I are headed — outside our digital comfort zone toward a world that’s terrifying and beautiful and unavoidable and here it is and OH SHIT WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NEXT.

Keep reading (for the last time)!

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The McCrazy Files: The Hamburglar of Augusta, ME

March 27, 2012

You know what I’m going to miss most about Lifting Fog? Beautiful crap like this.

Just before dusk on Sunday evening, the sun shedding its last rays on what had been a stunning spring day, a family pulled into the drive-thru of an Augusta McDonald’s. They were eager for burgers and fries and maybe Shamrock Shakes, too, if the kids had done especially well at their soccer game. (“We’ll see!” Dad responded when they all pleaded from the backseat.) Fast food was a fun treat, a once-in-a-while meal. What the hey — it had been a great afternoon.

The family was hungry, and ordered quickly. Dad drove to the next window. “What do you think might happen on ‘Once Upon a Time’ tonight?” Mom asked. They had a few minutes before the dedicated kitchen staff would have everything ready. But before that final transaction could take place…before McNuggets could be placed in appropriate hand…CHAOS.

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“Coning”: A National Concern

September 15, 2011

I’ll take it as inconclusive proof of having maybe growed my ass up that I was unaware until just a few minutes ago of this latest prank craze to squeeze through the American youth pipeline, “Coning,” which entails 1) buying a drive-through ice cream cone from McDonald’s then 2) grabbing the dessert by the ice cream, not the cone, while 3) the employee handing it to you stands there befuddled. If it sounds like something your Philly Blunts-smoking cousin who’s big into car modding might do, that’s because it is.

What?! It doesn’t even make sense as a prank. YOU’RE the one out an ice cream cone. YOU’RE the one with sticky fingers. Maybe the cashier gives you that “whuuuh?” look you clearly crave, but you’re just as likely to have the poor employee (rightfully) yell at you for being such an annoying ass. If a prank’s object is pulling one over on the other party, then coning barely satisfies the not-that-stringent requirements of the word! You guys are doing it ALL WRONG.

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“But Where’s The [Shamrock Shake] Gone?”

March 17, 2009

You spent all last night preparing, filling flasks of Jameson and carefully memorizing a few Dropkick Murphys songs. And now the big day is here, its arrival heralded by parades and GREEN, EVERYWHERE GREEN. Happy St. Paddy’s 2009!

shamrock

But not all is right today. One of the Emerald Isle’s most famous exports, the Shamrock Shake, is woefully out of reach in the City of New York. According to a Gothamist article dated 3/16/07, it has been for over two years. I LIVE in that city; I LOVE those shakes. I can think of no sadder revelation on what is supposed to be the happiest day of the year.

More green-dyed eulogizing after the jump!

The McCrazy Files: “My McNuggets Are An Emergency!”

March 4, 2009

There are two sure things in this life: one, that we will all at some point die; two, that fast food chains will always be a magnet for ridiculousness. Rumbles under the Golden Arches. Relationship-destroying initiatives echoing from the Burger King’s burger palace. You can’t make this shit up, which is also sadly (but deliciously) true for today’s addition to the McCrazy files.

McFailWhen you’ve gotta have your Chicken McNuggets, you’ve gotta have your Chicken McNuggets. When you can’t GET those Nuggets, then you call 911. Wait, what? That’s what Floridian Latreasa Goodman did last Saturday when her local McDonald’s ran out of her favorite chicken product and, citing their “no refund” policy, offered her a McDouble and fry instead. AAWWW HEEEELLL NAAWW. Goodman wasn’t having any of that noise, and decided this was a dispute only the police could sort out. She called 911 three times. THREE TIMES. (That’s a McHat Trick or a McOut, depending on the sport, but it’s clear that Goodman was ready to play ball.)

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