Posts Tagged ‘Burger King’

The McCrazy Files: Burger King Done Changed the Game

January 18, 2012

With everybody all “#SOPA” this and “#PIPA” that and killing middle-schoolers’ history essays, no one seems to be paying attention to the day’s BIGGER story: that Burger King, quietly testing a new delivery service these past few months, has supposedly mastered the “proprietary thermal packaging technology” that has long stymied advocates of burger transportation reform. Once upon a time the ability to move a flame-grilled Whopper from the kitchens of BK to your dining room table was practically non-existent, the loss of condiment crispness and patty heat TOO MUCH to overcome. But no longer. Harnessing all the powers of modern science, BK is once more leading Americans of discriminating taste to the Promised Land of freshness. They told us this day would never come. Their shortsightedness will one day be written of alongside that of King George and the Hindenburg engineers.

The real question, of course, is HOW WILL IT WORK? No one really knows! As Megan Garber at The Atlantic points out,

It’d have to lock in enough moisture, microwave-style, to ensure that the food it contains doesn’t dry out; it’d have to release enough, though, to prevent those contents from steaming. It’d have to, ostensibly, include some kind of mechanism that prevents the “fresh” ingredients on the burger — the lettuce, the tomato — from cooking while the other ingredients are kept warm.

That’s a lot of masters to serve! The sheer number of variables at play — dry/wet dynamics, veggie moisture, bun integrity — makes cracking the code here at least a Calc 4-level problem. But if BK’s top scientists can make this work…I mean, what is there left to accomplish? We won.

But that’s beside the point. Succeed, fail, or fall woefully somewhere in-between, your efforts at changing the Game are admirable and worthy of recognition. So here’s to you, Burger King — the Hertz Rental of burgers, forever trying harder. What did you do today, Carl’s Jr.?

The [Burger King] King is Dead. Long Live the King.

June 4, 2011

Food World, June 2011: it’s all changing, everywhere! First Mark Zuckerberg vows to only eat what he kills (inciting the Winklevoss twins to say the same thing, a few days later). Then the USDA tells us we picked the WRONG GEOMETRIC SHAPE to guide our well-balanced diets. And now — maybe three times as sad as either of those — Burger King decides to change tacks with its menu and overall design. You’re not crying yet? Consider that soon lost to the annals of fast food history will be its bizarre/genius Facebook initiatives; its line of Whopper-scented cologne (one presumes). But most significantly, undoubtedly, will be the loss of maybe the most disturbing mascot ever to grace a national commercial or fuel our collective nightmares. The Burger King…King is about to be sacked.

(Note: From here the royal icon will be referred to as “The Burger King,” his place of rule “BK.”)

Keep reading!

The McCrazy Files: Panama City Beach Bonanza

March 30, 2011

Let’s cut right to the heart of the issue: when a company tells you you can “have it your way,” they’re really just bringing this kind of shit on themselves. Last Thursday a Burger King in Panama City Beach, FL saw its life flash before its eyes when a young woman, upset that her drive-thru order wasn’t filled correctly, basically incited a Spartacus-level uprising against its employees. After descending, in bikini, on the register to demand satisfaction, she proceeded to 1) climb on the counter 2) slap someone or something and 3) get her hands on a water jug, which she then threw. That last part of course being everyone else’s cue to join in. Individual events are sort of hazy, which you’ll see below, but the craziness is CRYSTAL CLEAR.

There are now just about…600 days until the world is slated to end, which makes this latest addition to the McCrazy Files right on schedule. Thanks for taking your responsibilities seriously, everyone!

Burger King Encourages Americans To Get Fat, Lose Friends

January 13, 2009

medicine_eatstation_eating-702002The King has gone bloody mad.

Hot on the heels of its “Whopper Virgins” initiative (which has been simultaneously labeled “culturally insensitive” and “hilarious”), Burger King recently launched a new promotion that’s just as absurd. “Whopper Sacrifice” is a Facebook application that combines the joys of unhealthy eating with antisocial behavior, asking users to delete or “sacrifice” their friends in exchange for a free Whopper. Sacrifice? Mel Gibson wishes he had thought of this while promoting Apocalypto.

Some people think this latest bipolar decree from the King is offensive and “undermines the whole idea of Facebook marketing as a constructive viral force,” but some people have never been on Facebook. As anyone under the age of 25 can tell you, there’s a world of difference between friends on social networking sites and those of a more flesh and blood persuasion. The definition of “friend” online stretches far beyond “person with whom one shares mutual affection” to include “enemy,” “former babysitter,” and “I don’t know this person” among countless other permutations. Example: I’m friends with a guy named Koz Collateral whose favorite movie is Scarface and whose hobbies include “cappin’ bitches JK” and “ridin'”. I haven’t been interested in ridin’ for about three years. Facebook friends are friends insofar as they’ve checked the box that says so. (Don’t tell Koz.)

Point is, most Facebook users probably have at LEAST ten people they’d be more than happy to de-friend/sacrifice. We’ve all thought about it, avoiding the act because we’re totally insecure and desperate for friends, fake or otherwise out of laziness. But now? There’s a meaty reward for tossing the bastards overboard. It may say “I value a moderately priced cheeseburger over you,” (to which the funny ex-friend might reply “have it your way! LOL”) but it does so with style to spare. Plus the recession…

(Thanks to Tian Xie for pointing out the website!)