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Archive for the ‘“Politics”’ Category

There’s A Week ‘Til Election Day 2008; This Is Where I Stand

October 28, 2008
This is no time for jokes 

This is no time for jokes

All kidding aside, this blog has served the masses our relatives for years weeks. But while we often go to great lengths to make semi-educated attempts at humor, I think its time we took stock on where we all stand with a week until the 2008 Election. This is a turning point for the United States of America. For the authors of this blog, it is arguably the single most important election of our time (pause for older readers to meddle to themselves about every other election before 1988)… The two opposing sides couldn’t be more different and no matter who is elected, I think we can all agree that this country is in line for widespread, must-needed change. It should be clear to most lucid, self-respecting individuals that the last 8 years have culminated in a massive failure of America’s long running, well-oiled Government machine. Deep breath. But let’s get serious about the issues:

  1. Sarah Palin has spent as much donated campaign money on clothes as Paris Hilton does in a week. I frankly, could care less. Maybe its because I have an older sister or maybe its because I’ve always had a profound respect for the modern-day image of women presented in Clueless, but I don’t foresee a time when the phrase “Girls be shoppin'” will ever lose its stature. If the Republican Party decides that the best way to spends its hard-earned cash is on Palin’s walk-in closet, so be it. Its not as if Joe the Plumber doesn’t make enough to buy his possible future daughters Guess jeans and Gucci sunglasses. Right? More issues after the jump!
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Pre-Week Brain Dump (Part 1 of 2)

September 15, 2008

DJ Steve’s been putting me to shame these last few days with lengthy, thoughtful posts on Kanye West’s celebrity and Saturday Night Live’s mediocrity. Both great. I’ve been surfing, eating, and acting inappropriately around college students. I also embedded a Super Mario World YouTube video! Lame. But that was last week – a brand new one is upon us, and with it a golden Phelpsian opportunity to redeem myself in your eyes. Like the Fightin’ Phils, I’m all about comebacks. Before I set to work on my next failed New Yorker article, though, I’ve got to clear my head of everything that’s taken up residence these past few days. Brewfest. Palin. Fringe. Matthew McConaughey. Nothing coherent enough to warrant an individual post, but each part of that perfect fall potpourri blend. You know the drill. Onward?

Who Wants Mooseburgers?

September 8, 2008
Miss Wasilla '84

Miss Wasilla 1984

Ever since I was elected secretary of my high school class in the fall of 2002 (Don’t Stop Believin’!!), I’ve been big into politics. The campaigning. The debating. The voting. The hugging. All that shit. What I find most fascinating about the election process, though, is the way one’s allegiances can sway from moment to moment, motivated by powerful speeches or newfound information. I loved Barack Obama… until I found out he was a terrorist. And Joe Biden wants to take Amtrak to Iraq (Amtraq)? Forget those guys.

These days my heart belongs to an Alaskan hockey mom named Sarah Palin. Heard of her? Since bursting onto the political scene following the Democratic National Convention, McCain’s VP pick has been a tornado of electoral energy. Calling out Obama for his dumb community organizing. Dousing the fire of her daughter’s Juno-ish (or “Juneau-ish” LOL) pregnancy scandal. Picking out salsa in New Mexico. She’s an amazing, hot, awesome politician. It’s no wonder she’s one of the most searched women on the Internet. When McCain croaks in office, she’ll be our first female commander-in-chief. But do we really know her?

DO we? Keep reading!

No No, AFTER He Graduates

September 4, 2008

Hey there, Upper West-Siders – Gossip Girl here bringing you the latest whispers from the political elite. Seems that Senators Obama and McCain will be making a surprising stop at fair Alma Mater next week, putting down their convention-tested weapons for a moment and speaking to a non-partisan crowd about public service. Anyone with a web browser knows that O is returning to old turf, but M’s no stranger, either – his daughter graduated from Columbia in 2007 and he himself spoke at Commencement in 2006. Will next Thursday’s speeches be cordial… or confrontational? You know what they say about familiarity… You know you love me.

XOXO,
Gossip Girl More?

Coincidence? I Think Not.

August 30, 2008

Everyone says that John McCain went with Sarah Palin in order to capture the women’s vote and possibly lure disgruntled psycho Hilldog supporters over to the right. That sounds accurate on paper, but I know better. Determined to capture the Henning Fog vote, the Republican presidential nominee has chosen as his running mate a woman who bears a striking resemblance to 30 Rock mastermind and bona fide babe Tina Fey. See for yourself!

But I won’t waver. She may be a Baberham Lincoln with her trim figure and fresh up-do. She may be a surprisingly forceful speaker. She may once have been the head writer for Saturday Night Live in a parallel dimension. No – sigh – no matter. However appealing, I’m not going to let a pair of librarian’s glasses determine my vote.  Sorry, McCain – your sneaky tactics won’t work on me. But what a bastard!

Yes We Can

August 29, 2008

… A cop-out post to be sure, but who cares – I’m EXCITED for the future and proud as hell to be voting for Barack Obama and Joe Biden on November 4th. What a speech. What a night.

“Drunk And Stupid Is No Way To Go Through Life, Son”

August 28, 2008

… Guess that guy didn’t get the memo. In an exquisite (if slightly dated – sorry!) photo report, Gawker shows that George W. Bush, expert back-slapper and 43rd President of the United States of America, still knows how to party his red, white, and blue balls off. And this was only during competition! $100 says he really did do a keg stand with Shawn Johnson after the All-Around.

Thanks to Mark Krotov for the link. God Bless America!

"George, it's - you know what, forget it."

Potpourri (1 of 2)

August 27, 2008

I apologize in advance for the randomness of what you’re about to read (although maybe you won’t now!). This may well be the most incoherent post I’ve yet written, but my mind’s in a million places right now and to attempt to wax philosophical on any one subject would be futile. Hillary. Phillies. Olympic Village sex. Kid Rock. This one’s random access like woah, so hold onto the belt of the kid in front of you as you prepare to read. BETTER STUFF TOMORROW, I SWEAR ON THE PRECIOUS.

1) Hillary Rodham Clinton

Great speech. Great suit. And we’re all glad you’re finally publicly committed to the unification of the Democratic Party. Good lookin’ out. But it’s really, really time to go home now. Party leaders have been beyond generous in their Clinton appeasement at this convention. Speaker after speaker has extolled your courage, your devotion to health care reform, and your remarkable 3 AM phone answering abilities. Remember how you only “suspended” your campaign without formally ending it? Tonight, your “troops” will be given the option of casting their votes for you during roll call. Beyond generous… and more than enough. Don’t get me wrong, Hillary – I have tremendous respect for you and all that you’ve accomplished (and I think your political future is far from over), but this hasn’t been your show for a while now. It’s Barack O’Clock. More?