Archive for the ‘“Politics”’ Category

Election 2020: Take it from Me, a Fly — Pence is Full of Shit

October 8, 2020

SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH — In last night’s VP Debate, you saw Vice President Mike Pence square off against California Senator Kamala Harris. You may have also seen me, the six-legged fellow gallivanting around Pence’s forehead. Hi! My name’s Duncan, I’m a fly, and I’m eager to tell you a little about myself and my take on this whole crazy election.

Keep reading!

Thoughts on the Upcoming 2024 Presidential Campaign

September 1, 2011

We are too young now and will be too young for another three term cycles, but 12 years down the road — or 11 years post-Apocalypse, because it’s still definitely happening — we now-25-year-olds (…born in the United States) will finally be eligible to run for President. Brilliant! Finally we can make good on those “when I grow up” speeches we gave to our fifth grade class, as well as wow our previously underwhelmed parents.

But take a step back from the excitement of becoming President for a moment. Consider the world we now live in: one where almost every move we make is recorded (or at least noted) and the notion of “skeletons in the closet” is ridiculous because they’re right there in our Facebook pictures, drowning in Four Loko. We are the first true Overshare Generation. And when it comes time in 2024 for us to step out onto the public stage — to be held accountable for our lives led to that point — most of us will have left digital footprints too DIRTY and AWFUL for our campaign to stand any kind of a chance.

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The Oval Office: Now Featuring Intelligence and Humility

January 20, 2009

The day of Change has come. Not with a whisper but with the roar of thousands and thousands of loyal Americans who braved the DC cold this morning to witness history being made. Not the kind of the Giant-won-the-Super Bowl history, but the kind of history that will actually be written down in books and remembered by people other than those that call Long Island, “Strong” Island. Barack Hussein (yeah, I said it) Obama is the 44th President of the United States of America. Let freedom ring. But more importantly, let us rejoice in the fact that intelligence, humility, and wealth of other morally-based virtues (Bush always reminded me of Commodus in Gladiator: “But I have other virtues father!”) have returned to the White House. Spoiler alert, Commodus thought killing people was a virtue.

This is an important day for the world. It is an important day for democracy and it is an important day for humanity. Despite Obama’s stuttering attempt at an oath this Tuesday morn, it was clear from his speech that his election cries and platform of hope and change won’t be translating into warm milk before bed and mid-day naps after small cut hot dogs. In so many words, I believe the President evoked the words of JFK from the legendary 1961 Inaugural Event: “Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country.” Change can only happen in the hands of the people, folks, which means YOU! and YOU! and YOU! (more…)

Obama’s Presidential Victory, Now On Your Super Nintendo Game Console!

December 2, 2008


This was, of course, inevitable. After children’s books, songs by would-be “political” rappers (and friends!) and face-lifts for outdated American currency, it was only a matter of time before President-Elect Obama dipped his toe in the 16-bit pool. Enter “Super Obama World,” a platforming adventure starring everyone’s favorite 44th President of the United States. As in its predecessors, “Super Mario World” and “SMW 2: Clinton’s Island”,” the controls are relatively simple: run right, run left, jump. (Like Mario, Obama’s got ups.) Easy to play but hard to put down, this just-released game will quickly become your favorite antidote to workday depression.

More Obamania after the jump!

Has Bush Changed?

November 12, 2008

The other day I was sitting on the commode, checking AP Mobile News on my iPhone, and I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I prefer AP News to other outlets because the stories always seem to maintain a level of objectivity that is lacking in other resources (i.e. this blog) (Editor’s note: that’s bullshit). The story I had stopped on was discussing current President Bush’s reflections on the ceremonial President-elect visit and tour of the White House. For the first time, in an indeterminable amount of time, I was reading about President Bush and things he was saying without clenched fists. I didn’t feel hot under the collar and my eyes weren’t rolling.  More enlightened opinionating continues here.

Things That Happened In The Last Five Weeks, Part 4

November 7, 2008

4) Three-Time Academy Award Nominee Laura Linney Told Me Not to Vote and I Almost Listened

A record 133 million Americans voted in this year’s Presidential election. 133 million – huge. That’s over 60% of our country’s citizens who got off the couch and, taking that old MTA adage to heart, saw something and said something. Even factoring in a steadily increasing population (which gives the record a bit of a Titanic quality) that’s a bona fide big number. You saw the people in line at your polling place, right? Amazing. That’s why I’m slightly ashamed to admit I almost wasn’t one of them.

Don’t keep reading.

Fret Not, Republicans: Palin Has Acting Career After Campaign

November 5, 2008


Is she destined to be a TV star?


Is she destined to be a TV star?

In the coming weeks, many will shed tears. For many, a black man running the nation is a dream realized; unfortunately for others, it will be perceived as a nightmare. Either way, we should take a moment and give thanks (heck, Turkey Day is just around the corner!) that the world met Sarah Louise Heath Palin (I call her SLHP in txts). As previously blogged, the current state of Saturday Night Live appears to be one of disarray. Not unlike the current state of the economy, it seems almost unfixable. But then the bailout bill came: Tina Fey as Sarah Palin. Let’s be honest, she’s a dead-ringer for the huntress Governor from the North, but maybe SNL should take the next step and go from artificial intelligence to REAL intelligence. Live from New York, its Saturday Night Palin! But wait, there’s more post here!


November 5, 2008

Did you guys see tonight’s episode of 90210?!?

KIDDING. I’ve been following the media blitz(er) as closely as any dutiful American and could not be happier typing, however little it’s really sunken in yet, the following words:

Barack Obama is the 44th President of the United States of America.

Wow. Now and only now does the below seem appropriate. Celebrate, people!

Decision 2008: Calrissian vs. Palpatine

November 4, 2008

It looks like a video player, doesn't it?

It looks like a video player, doesn't it? Click to see the image move.

Apparently, even elections in galaxies far, far away suffer through brutal campaign seasons.

Not much of a debate here if you ask me: while technically “inexperienced” in the realm of galactic politics, General Calrissian (yes, he served in the military) comes with undeniable charisma, a strong advising staff, and documented success in community organizing. Claims that his ties to radical friends may compromise his judgment are patently ludicrous. He is more than qualified to lead. Senator Palpatine, well, he called for the eradication of the Jedi. Plus he’s just OLD.

Calrissian-Chewbacca ’08!

(Editor’s Note: I don’t think Senator John McCain bears any resemblance, in image or disposition, to Senator/Emperor Palpatine. Those who would claim that he does – or would top that with comparisons to Mussolini, Stalin, or Hitler – are out of their f*cking minds. Calm down, people.)

Do It For The Free Shit

November 4, 2008

American readers (sorry, Avi),

voting-booth-51Today is arguably one of the most important elections in the history of our country. After eight years of failed leadership (yes, you’ve read that line about five hundred times before), it’s time to elect a President with the competence and strength of character to restore America to a place of worthiness. In my opinion, that’s Barack Obama. You may feel differently. Either way, let someone know*! If ever there was a time to exercise your democratic responsibilities, it’s now. Need incentive?

– Starbucks is offering free cups of tall coffee to everyone sporting an “I Voted” sticker
– Krispy Kreme has special star-shaped donuts ready for those with, again, an “I Voted” sticker
– Between 5 and 8 PM, Ben and Jerry’s is giving away free scoops of ice cream to anyone who claims to have voted. You can even lie (but don’t)! Democracy!

Vote early, vote often, just

vote-button* like, at a polling place.