Archive for the ‘Absurd But True’ Category

‘Why They Hate Us,’ Possible Answer #2: Gourmet Pet Bakeries

April 23, 2009
Yes, these baked goods are for dogs

Yes, these baked goods are for dogs

Last time I was riled up enough to comment on the pitiful state of American consumerism culture, the target was Domino’s: a national food chain that can sell us booger infused culinary delights and still have us calling each Tuesday for that 5-5-5 deal. But this time I’ve been excited by something much more local and entrepreneurial. A gourmet pet bakery can be found in almost any place where money grows on trees and the only way to tell the difference between houses is by their number, but in Los Angeles County, they seem to have the monopoly on senseless ways to spend money during a recession. They beat out other popular options including 2) seeing Watchmen a 2nd time to make more sense of it and 3) spending $700 for sold out Bruce Springsteen tickets (I have a feeling he’ll be around next year, guys). As noted in the previous post in this series, the theme stems from a Fareed Zakaria article in which the famous Newsweek pundit attempts to define why the Muslim world doesn’t seem to like American Idol quite as much as we do. Now, I’m adding gourmet pet bakeries to the list. (more…)

No Cussing Club: That Dude is the F$*king S%#t

March 16, 2009

Welcome to the sickest f$%king  club in the world. It’s a pretty fun club – there’s orange t-shirts, multiculturalism, rap music made by white people, and even a retro-fitted website with a GeoCities motif (WARNING: This site not suitable for web browsers more current than Internet Explorer 1.0). The premise is simple: chill on the cussing, bro. It all started when “the most cyberbullied kid in the world,” (a title anyone would be proud of) McKay Hatch, founded the NCC (for short) when he was tired of being the only 8th grader left with a family cursing jar in his house all the foul language he was hearing around his junior high in South Pasadena, CA. Now, I’m sure, his title of “the most cyberbullied kid in the world” is starting to make a little more sense.

Makes sense to us. Keep reading!

EW’s Tip for Rising Out of the Slums: Star In an Award-Winning Film

March 12, 2009

It needn’t be said that here at the Fog, we consider ourselves fairly privileged. I mean, blogs sure, but blogs with original graphics and categories? Well that’s just a horse of a different color. Today I write to reflect on an article that I first peeped in the hard copy version of this week’s Entertainment Weekly. Can you believe things are still printed on paper these days? Save the planet, start a blog, brah. EW has one foot ahead and behind the curve though, as the article is also here in digital form. While it doesn’t read like a how-to article, it’s clear what EW is suggesting (I’ve always been a master of reading between the lines, you know). The easiest way to rise above the poverty line in India is by starring in an Oscar-winning film. I guess the fact that it wins an award is secondary to the more important issue of cash flow the film generates, but who says social work can’t be art as well.

Not us. Keep reading!

The McCrazy Files: “My McNuggets Are An Emergency!”

March 4, 2009

There are two sure things in this life: one, that we will all at some point die; two, that fast food chains will always be a magnet for ridiculousness. Rumbles under the Golden Arches. Relationship-destroying initiatives echoing from the Burger King’s burger palace. You can’t make this shit up, which is also sadly (but deliciously) true for today’s addition to the McCrazy files.

McFailWhen you’ve gotta have your Chicken McNuggets, you’ve gotta have your Chicken McNuggets. When you can’t GET those Nuggets, then you call 911. Wait, what? That’s what Floridian Latreasa Goodman did last Saturday when her local McDonald’s ran out of her favorite chicken product and, citing their “no refund” policy, offered her a McDouble and fry instead. AAWWW HEEEELLL NAAWW. Goodman wasn’t having any of that noise, and decided this was a dispute only the police could sort out. She called 911 three times. THREE TIMES. (That’s a McHat Trick or a McOut, depending on the sport, but it’s clear that Goodman was ready to play ball.)

Keep reading!

Average Age for 1st Cell Phone is 8 (Which is Still Not Low Enough)

February 18, 2009
Yo baby, gimme them digits!

Yo baby, gimme them digits!

Straight from the early morning presses today comes a report from CrunchGear (a subsidiary of one of my favorite sites, TechCrunch, but NOT to be confused with TechGear lolzorz) that states that the average age for a human’s first cell phone is at the tender age of 8 years old. If you read the fine print from the folks over at Telegraph, the facts are less than compelling, but it doesn’t change the fact that the number 8 is still far too high.

I had a cell phone when I was 4, a BlackBerry when I was 9, and an iPhone by the time I was 14. Don’t bother checking any timelines though; given that it’s Wednesday, I’m on the LOST time-tripping clock. Spoiler Alert: Sawyer is Ben’s father?! All theories aside, I think it’s time we quit babying our babies. I mean, what are they, babies? I was navigating DOS playing Commander Keen when I was 5, and look how far I’ve come: a blog, an iPhone, a blog you can read from an iPhone, and an enormous sense of self-worth. Infinitely fulfilling and rewarding life? CHECK.

If we want to win the next space race against China or anyone else who thinks they’re (incorrectly) entitled to exploring space other than us, we need to get our younglings outfitted with smartphones ASAP. The sooner we get them texting and surfing in a mobile environment, the better off we’ll be. Do you want to be the one to tell your grandkids (over a 6G connection in the future, mind you) that the reason we’re all communists is because you thought lil’ Johnny didn’t need a cell phone until his 10th birthday rather than his 6th? No, I didn’t think so.

‘Why They Hate Us,’ Possible Answer #1: Domino’s Pizza Tracker

January 22, 2009

Domino's Exhibits

Newsweek publishes an article at least 4 times a year with a headline reading “Why They Hate Us,” usually referring to the Muslim world. As an avid American enthusiast (as of 01-20-2009), I am always on the lookout for reasons why they hate us. Today, I found one that encompasses everything we stand for as a people and country, and I found it at Domino’s Pizza. (more…)

Now On To More Important Business

January 21, 2009

happy-easter-babiesDrunk on Inaugural boxed wine (of the figurative variety) last night I kept clicking the “Next” tab on my WordPress dashboard, hoping to stumble on one or five exciting new blogs. Something tapped into the national vein? Something hilarious? What I got was better than anything I could have imagined. People Magazine, sophisticated older sister to Us Weekly, has for an undetermined amount of time been maintaining a blog of such stature, such significance, that to describe it as “revolutionary” would be a gross understatement. Whittling out so much of their print magazine’s unwanted filler and streamlining the meatiest content, they’re bringing American women exactly what they want. That’s right – celebrity babies. Cartons of ’em.

Babies!

I Don’t Know, I Think It’s A Scam

January 16, 2009

128367966988125000ohaiicalled1

Good Samaritan that I am, I never pass up the opportunity to help out those in need. Whether it’s the crack lady on 113th St. (who somehow is able to afford a weekly haircut…) or a pair of deposed Nigerian princes, my heart and wallet are perpetually open. People often tell me I’m a “good guy.” But reading a message sent to me on Facebook today by a young Ivory Coaster named Stella Moroba, I found myself hesitant to lend a hand. I wondered, quietly… if I was being scammed. Judge for yourself:

Dearest One,

REQUEST TO BE MY GUARDIAN AND THEN HELP ME TO COME OVER YOUR COUNTRY:

Good day and how are you today? I hope fine? After going through your profile,
permit me to inform you of my desire of asking you to be a guardian or foster parent to me and then help me out in what i am about to tell you. I know this may sound strange to you , receiving a mail from an unknown person, but my condition has forced me to do that.

I’m Ms.Stella Moroba 19 years old,the only daughter of Late Mr. & Mrs. Timothy A. Moroba my father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant here in Abidjan, the economic capital of Cote D’Ivoire. He was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outings on a business trip,my mother died when i was a baby.

Continue reading Stella’s harrowing tale of survival after the jump!

Adventures in Adult Education

January 15, 2009

I am always, always trying to better myself. Or at least I have been since Tuesday, when I began to take serious stock of my taunting list of New Year’s resolutions. It’s an ambitious package: weight loss, moral refinement, apologies (so many apologies), washing bedsheets. I feel for Obama when I realize none of this will be accomplished within the span of four years. But perhaps futilely, I’m determined to make at least a little headway in my quest to become “the best Henning possible.”™ Up first? Gettin’ educated.

joemontygradWhile they’re probably teaching Sex Ed earlier and earlier these days, it’s still a lie to claim “all we really need to know we learned in kindergarten.” I get the allegory – we should all share, be kind, and use restrooms. I support all those things. But to borrow another t-shirt-approved cliche, “learning is a lifelong process.” Brains new and old should be regularly stimulated, given something to do. That’s why we have Sudoku! Reader’s Digest! According to the degree framed delicately as a flower in my bedroom, I have been educated at the collegiate level. (I know, thanks!) But have I learned all I need to know? Can Bible Theory really help me do my taxes? There’s gotta be some room left upstairs. It was in this spirit of continued education that I recently sat in on an introductory class at the Gotham Writers’ Workshop.

Join the edu-taining fun!

Burger King Encourages Americans To Get Fat, Lose Friends

January 13, 2009

medicine_eatstation_eating-702002The King has gone bloody mad.

Hot on the heels of its “Whopper Virgins” initiative (which has been simultaneously labeled “culturally insensitive” and “hilarious”), Burger King recently launched a new promotion that’s just as absurd. “Whopper Sacrifice” is a Facebook application that combines the joys of unhealthy eating with antisocial behavior, asking users to delete or “sacrifice” their friends in exchange for a free Whopper. Sacrifice? Mel Gibson wishes he had thought of this while promoting Apocalypto.

Some people think this latest bipolar decree from the King is offensive and “undermines the whole idea of Facebook marketing as a constructive viral force,” but some people have never been on Facebook. As anyone under the age of 25 can tell you, there’s a world of difference between friends on social networking sites and those of a more flesh and blood persuasion. The definition of “friend” online stretches far beyond “person with whom one shares mutual affection” to include “enemy,” “former babysitter,” and “I don’t know this person” among countless other permutations. Example: I’m friends with a guy named Koz Collateral whose favorite movie is Scarface and whose hobbies include “cappin’ bitches JK” and “ridin'”. I haven’t been interested in ridin’ for about three years. Facebook friends are friends insofar as they’ve checked the box that says so. (Don’t tell Koz.)

Point is, most Facebook users probably have at LEAST ten people they’d be more than happy to de-friend/sacrifice. We’ve all thought about it, avoiding the act because we’re totally insecure and desperate for friends, fake or otherwise out of laziness. But now? There’s a meaty reward for tossing the bastards overboard. It may say “I value a moderately priced cheeseburger over you,” (to which the funny ex-friend might reply “have it your way! LOL”) but it does so with style to spare. Plus the recession…

(Thanks to Tian Xie for pointing out the website!)