Election 2020: Take it from Me, a Fly — Pence is Full of Shit


SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH — In last night’s VP Debate, you saw Vice President Mike Pence square off against California Senator Kamala Harris. You may have also seen me, the six-legged fellow gallivanting around Pence’s forehead. Hi! My name’s Duncan, I’m a fly, and I’m eager to tell you a little about myself and my take on this whole crazy election.

Now, flies have been historically maligned in the media. From Jeff Goldblum’s titular “monster” in the movie ‘The Fly’ to ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ villain Baxter Stockman, it’s been an endless uphill battle for fly representation. I’m not saying we aren’t responsible for some of this — we are disease vectors — but if America is willing to give Nazis a rebrand, why not flies? I’m soapboxing, sorry.

It’s not my job to educate you on thousands of years of fly history, but it is important you know this about flies, if you didn’t already: we’re famous bullshit detectors. Actually, “detector” might be a major undersell — we live for shit. We love shit. I feel the same way about a pile of cow manure that you do, say, Paul Rudd. I just can’t get enough.

So when you saw me all over Vice President Pence’s Lego hair last night, well, it was because the man is completely, utterly full of shit.

This is not me being political! The majority of flies live just 28 days, so I probably won’t even make it to the election, let alone be old enough to vote. Hell, the only reason I was on that stage last night is because I was born in a dumpster outside the venue, and someone left a door open. (Call me Duncan “Forrest Gump” the Fly, just stumbling through history.) Nope, I just love shit, and there was a lot of it last night. Some of my favorite bites:

  • Pence kept hammering how much the president is fighting for the American people and has only their best economic interest at heart. Why then did Trump, just this week, blow up stimulus talks with Congress that would have helped that same American voter? I smell 💩.
  • When asked directly where he stands on Roe v. Wade, arguably the most prominent Christian conservative in the country punted and instead praised judge Amy Comet Barrett and her “big American family.” Here I am, chowing down on this big American 💩 sandwich!
  • Pence claims that Biden is going to raise everyone’s taxes. Stinky, delicious 💩💩! Biden has proclaimed, time and again, he will not raise taxes on people making less than $400,000 a year.
  • On the subject of climate change, “we’re going to listen to the science” says a man — and an administration — who to this point has demonstrated zero listening ability. EPA rollbacks! Quitting the Paris Accords! Guys, we are just talking a veritable Thanksgiving Dinner of 💩💩💩💩, with all the trimmings.

Listen, does this fly agree with everything Senator Harris said? No way. The manufacturing sector is not technically in a recession, and her backpedaling on fracking is a tad alarming, especially when, as Pence pointed out, she co-sponsored the Green New Deal. (Flies don’t care about the environment so much as we do the shit a healthy environment is able to produce.) Also, unrelated, the whole “Mama-la” thing is just as infantilizing as adults over-identifying with their Harry Potter house, although the Senator obviously has nothing to do with either.

But like I said, I’m really just here for the shit! Need more? Check out NYT’s fact-checking article, which goes point-by-point with each candidate. Maybe I’ll be back to check in on next week’s presidential town hall (if it even happens), but if not, just remember: we flies know.

Here’s Sugar Ray.

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