WARNING: This post may include satire!
It’s official, Gadget Gurus and Electronic Book Evangelists. Kindle 2, Amazon.com’s update to their wildly successful electronic book system, has been released and is actually obtainable without long wait times. Finally, the time has come to close every library on the planet to make room for more Amazon shipping facilities. And it’s about time! I’m sick and fucking tired of waiting the maximum 24 hours for my Blu-Rays and vacuum cleaners to ship; I want to enjoy both… NOW. I think we can all agree that the “utility” of libraries has become somewhat diminished with the advent of, I don’t know… the INTERNET. With colleges around the country accepting Wikipedia as a viable bibliographic source (Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1993? He did as soon as I change the entry), it’s time to get rid of all those dusty old book shelves wasting precious warehouse space.
The thought of all those books sitting around, collecting dust and possibly talking to each other – plotting their revenge on Internet Service Providers – makes me shudder. Remember the opening scene in Ghostbusters (sweded version)? That shit was sca-ry. The last book I read was a Hardy Boys book in 3rd grade, the week before my family got high speed internet and I discovered the world wide web of porn illegal music downloading information. I think it was the book where they stumble upon a dead body in the woods and find hidden treasure. Or was that all of them? Needless to say, the thought of reading doesn’t really “appeal” to me. But now that Amazon has re-released something that’s slimmer, faster, and has 3G connectivity, how could I not be interested. Libraries are way too old school to be of any use to anyone nowadays (notice how I used the word school instead of skool to overstate its uncool factor?). They are so stuffy and boring! If I had a choice, I’d rather watch reruns of Becker (and that show was so stuffy and boring that even the cool black guy from High Fidelity and PCU couldn’t save it).
I think it’s time Obama and the rest of those fat cats down in Washington finally stepped up and helped us out. Think of how much money we can save avoiding the ridiculous late fees for returning DVDs late to the library. If I’m going to rent 2nd run DVDs from a facility that only has the first VHS of Braveheart and the full screen version of Empire Strikes Back in stock, you better believe I won’t stand for paying any late fees! I mean seriously! And what a surprise, libraries don’t have a customer service center… only a “I’ve-read-more-books-than-you-and-I’m-old-and-I-wear-tri-focals-and-therefore-I’m-smarter-than-you” center. Trust me gramps, if I wanted to hear what the invasion of Pearl Harbor was like from a primary source, I’d play Medal of Honor in 1080p. What revenue are these smelly, old depositories generating in an economy that is dying? Nothing at all, now that you mention it. More Amazon warehouses means more jobs, faster shipping times, and no more cringing at the thought of the time you kissed your ugly lab partner during a study break in a moment of pre-adolescent desperation every time you walk by a library. And if you can’t afford a Kindle 2, then you probably don’t know what a blog is, let alone this one… so arguing that they are too expensive would be like suggesting you aren’t reading this right now… and I know you don’t want to have to figure how who your Constant is in the middle of your lunch break. In short, I think it’s time we quit maintaining the lie that libraries provide a valuable asset to our communities and start embracing change we can believe in: goodbye libraries, hello unbridled and unnecessary technology spending!