Kindle 2 Should Warrant the Closing of All Libraries Around the World


WARNING: This post may include satire!

Doesnt to kindle mean to burn things?

Doesn't "to kindle" mean "to burn things"?

It’s official, Gadget Gurus and Electronic Book Evangelists. Kindle 2,’s update to their wildly successful electronic book system, has been released and is actually obtainable without long wait times. Finally, the time has come to close every library on the planet to make room for more Amazon shipping facilities. And it’s about time! I’m sick and fucking tired of waiting the maximum 24 hours for my Blu-Rays and vacuum cleaners to ship; I want to enjoy both… NOW. I think we can all agree that the “utility” of libraries has become somewhat diminished with the advent of, I don’t know… the INTERNET. With colleges around the country accepting Wikipedia as a viable bibliographic source (Columbus sailed the ocean blue in 1993? He did as soon as I change the entry), it’s time to get rid of all those dusty old book shelves wasting precious warehouse space.

The thought of all those books sitting around, collecting dust and possibly talking to each other – plotting their revenge on Internet Service Providers – makes me shudder. Remember the opening scene in Ghostbusters (sweded version)? That shit was sca-ry. The last book I read was a Hardy Boys book in 3rd grade, the week before my family got high speed internet and I discovered the world wide web of porn illegal music downloading information. I think it was the book where they stumble upon a dead body in the woods and find hidden treasure. Or was that all of them? Needless to say, the thought of reading doesn’t really “appeal” to me. But now that Amazon has re-released something that’s slimmer, faster, and has 3G connectivity, how could I not be interested. Libraries are way too old school to be of any use to anyone nowadays (notice how I used the word school instead of skool to overstate its uncool factor?). They are so stuffy and boring! If I had a choice, I’d rather watch reruns of Becker (and that show was so stuffy and boring that even the cool black guy from High Fidelity and PCU couldn’t save it).

I learned more from video games in a day than I did from a month reading books. True story.

I learned more from video games in a day than I did from a month of reading books. True story.

I think it’s time Obama and the rest of those fat cats down in Washington finally stepped up and helped us out. Think of how much money we can save avoiding the ridiculous late fees for returning DVDs late to the library. If I’m going to rent 2nd run DVDs from a facility that only has the first VHS of Braveheart and the full screen version of Empire Strikes Back in stock, you better believe I won’t stand for paying any late fees! I mean seriously! And what a surprise, libraries don’t have a customer service center… only a “I’ve-read-more-books-than-you-and-I’m-old-and-I-wear-tri-focals-and-therefore-I’m-smarter-than-you” center. Trust me gramps, if I wanted to hear what the invasion of Pearl Harbor was like from a primary source, I’d play Medal of Honor in 1080p. What revenue are these smelly, old depositories generating in an economy that is dying? Nothing at all, now that you mention it. More Amazon warehouses means more jobs, faster shipping times, and no more cringing at the thought of the time you kissed your ugly lab partner during a study break in a moment of pre-adolescent desperation every time you walk by a library. And if you can’t afford a Kindle 2, then you probably don’t know what a blog is, let alone this one… so arguing that they are too expensive would be like suggesting you aren’t reading this right now…  and I know you don’t want to have to figure how who your Constant is in the middle of your lunch break. In short, I think it’s time we quit maintaining the lie that libraries provide a valuable asset to our communities and start embracing change we can believe in: goodbye libraries, hello unbridled and unnecessary technology spending!

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14 Responses to “Kindle 2 Should Warrant the Closing of All Libraries Around the World”

  1. Al Says:

    First and foremost, let me say that I work for an Academic library (but I’m not a librarian). I am also a patron of the public library in my town. With this said, it would be assumed that i do have a bias towards libraries. So let the chips fall where they may.

    1. “so arguing that they (kindles) are too expensive” While the Kindle has become a huge success, not everyone can afford it or the high costs of owning so many books. So unless you are a millionaire, you would not be able to truly afford the extended cost of ownership for having a large digital library to do scholarly research. More importantly, not everyone in your idealized world is rich and can afford a kindle as well as an internet connection. So a library is a better alternative.

    2. Scholarly Research is one of the many purposes of a library. Librarians are trained to help patrons sift through the many resource available to them and find legitimate scholarly work to aid their research project. Do I need to point out the Wikipedia scandal that occurred a couple of years ago where a contributor faked his credentials on Wikipedia? Any Joe, Jane, Tom, Dick, Sally, or Harry can put up a website and call it legitimate. So the role of a librarian is more crucial than ever in helping students with their projects.

    3. Libraries play a hand in hand role with teaching and education. There is no way a student could ever be successful without a Library’s resources. Libraries act as central repositories so that people can access many works without having to pay for them. Were you ever a college student? If so, then I’m sure that you wouldn’t have been able to afford all of the extra books that you needed to complete a research paper. More importantly, the technology that you are absolutely beaming about is due to education. It is due to the long hours students have spent studying and understanding processes from resources and space available in a Library. It is due to the ability of a library to provide those resources to students so that they don’t have to pay thousands of dollars for them. Also, as we move more towards digital media, many people will not be able to afford the larger scholarly databases that cost tens of thousands of dollars per year to access.

    4. Libraries are in fact making a comeback more than ever now. Many people are coming back to the Libraries because they offer everything for free. I don’t know where you live, but the public library near where me offers the most up to date dvds that have just come on the market. They also offer music cds, audiobooks, free internet access, and of course books. I’ve saved thousands and thousands of dollars by borrowing materials from the library. And yes, there is a due date, but the alternative to pay for late fees isn’t that appealing to me as well as many people.

    5. “what revenue are these smelly, old depositories generating in an economy that is dying?” well, it’s obvious that you have been very misled about libraries. Libraries are not in the business to generate revenue. Libraries serve as a public resource for the common good of society. If a library’s purpose was to generate revenue, then it would be a Barnes and Nobles or an

    6. “I learned more from video games in a day than I did from a month of reading books.” Well this again is a truly sad statement. If this is truly the case, then you have my sympathies and condolences. There are just way too many comments that I can make about this statement and quite honestly it’s just better off that I don’t say them.

    7. Libraries don’t need a customer service center. the librarians and the access staff are the service center. They are there to help a patron with any needs they may have and i’m sorry if you’ve had a terrible experience at the library.

    And by the way, i don’t have tri-focals and as sad as this is to say, i’ve probably read more books than you. But given the statements that you’ve written, most of the educated society has probably read more books than you. it’s just a sad state of affairs when you learn more from a video game than a book or from someone’s first hand experience of history.

    As a parting thought, desperation is spelled with an e not an a. Maybe you should buy a dictionary for your kindle 2.

    • DJ Steve Says:


      You’ve cut right to the core of me, although I encourage you to read some of my other posts in the past and decide for yourself whether I actually believe what I’ve written. More often than not, this blog serves as an outlet for “humor” rather than an outlet for supporting ridiculous and unfounded claims. I appreciate your honesty and taking the time to read the post though

    • DJ Steve Says:

      Also, I guess spell check missed desparation, thanks for the heads up!

  2. Matty Says:

    So, was this, like, satire (or irony or parody… I can never remember exactly which type of humor it is that presents itself seriously and somewhat logically but really is ridiculous to those in the know)?

    I honestly can’t tell… so if it IS, good job! If it isn’t, yikes!

  3. mzjones Says:

    i can’t decide if i’m slapping you in the face the next time i see you or pouring you a drink b/c you’re painfully clever. your choice.

  4. Alex Says:

    Libraries are great man!
    like the one down my block the Goldwyn Hollywood Library, I mean where else can you drink beer with homeless kids at 11 in the morning?

  5. Mohawk'd Librarian Says:

    I LOL’d.

  6. Bruce Says:

    You should be ashamed of yourself. If I ever find you, G-d help you, I will rip out your throat and feed it to the birds, you worthless little shit. My mom is a librarian, you homophobic prick.

  7. Gom Says:

    Ahem, at the risk of stepping up to the plate lest I be hit with a fast ball. Bruce, whoever you are, obviously never read this blog before, therefore isn’t as well acquainted with the thought provoking, insightful conjugations of this intelligent group. Perhaps you can crawl back to the cave from whence you came and let the rest of us savor the ironic humor.

  8. JES Says:

    Whocka whocka whocka. Nice job.

    A few months ago, I bloviated about the Kindle. Of course, if and when they do come out with a Kindle whose screen can adopt the texture of velvet, or the corrugations of cardboard, whatever, AND have a little plug-in device like a Glade air freshener to emit the smell of crumbly old paper, AND have a 100% transparent quarter-inch force field all around it so it can be dropped with impunity or read while showering, well, hey, I’m there!

  9. YouTube No Longer The People’s Republic of Video? « Lifting Fog Says:

    […] the last week  I’ve been reading more than I’ve been watching videos. Lord knows, I’m no bookworm: the last book I successfully read before I plugged myself into the Matrix was assigned to me by a […]

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