Sober. And Ready to Destroy the Competitions.

by

We did it, Kenny! Five months, eight babies and one new President later, Major League Baseball has finally returned. Y’ALL READY FOR THIS?!

Everyone remembers last season’s storybook ending: the much-maligned but f*ck-the-haters-they’re-awesome Philadelphia Phillies clinched their first World Series title in 28 years. Hiyo! Of course, baseball tends to double-back on itself like LOST, so anyone from the Delaware Valley could have told you how this season would begin: the traditional Phillies loss, this year to the Atlanta Braves and pitcher Derek Lowe. Oops.

Luckily there are still 161 games to play – an entire season of mid-day binge drinking and parking lot fights – and nowhere to go but up. Plenty of time to make the necessary adjustments. Welcome back, professional baseball!

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