You’ve Seen His Movies, Now See Tom Hanks Unravel The Fabric of Time


One of my favorite lines in the Simpsons Movie comes when Tom Hanks makes a guest starring appearance, urging American citizens to visit the ‘new grand canyon’ in the place where Springfield used to be, after being destroyed by the government. How prescient (3x world score!) this scene now seems, given that word has leaked in the geekosphere that Hanks will be turning on the repaired Large Hardron Collider come June. For those of you who areĀ unfamiliar, you need only check this post to get a sense of what this is and what it could mean.

While Tim has a penchant for exaggeration, it’s clear that Tom Hanks’ actions could be the cause for a mass hysteria even more terrifying than when fans let out of the first Da Vinci Code screening:

  • Female: “Wow, the movie was just as confusing as the book! I love stories that question my belief in God but ultimately don’t because I don’t understand them!”
  • Male: “Me too! But wait a second, did you see Tom Hanks’ haircut?! He’s really lost his touch.”

Yeah, I didn’t see it either… But the fact remains that Hanks has the power to change the universe and that’s power no Hollywood agent can harness. Academy Awards will mean about as much as a box of chocolates if and when he single-handedly renders 100 million years of history meaningless. I remember when I first saw Forrest Gump and I thought: man, a guy like Tom Hanks only comes around once in a million years. Now I know why.

So the question is this… If Tom Hanks solves the ancient philsophical debate on the existence of God by simply flipping a switch, which reality would be better: one in which Hanks is God, or one that does not exist? Before you answer, pause for a minute and reflect on both possibilities. Both seem grim, I admit. Take consolation in this, though: should Tom Hanks undo all that has been done in re-creating the big bang in a structure that covers four European countries, Angels and Demons will still be released on May 15, and it will most likely be as bad and confusing as The Da Vinci Code was. AUTHOR’S NOTE: Even though Angels and Demons might star a potential God (Hanks), I’d still rather see Fast and Furious for a 5th time instead.

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