There seems to be a whole hell of a lot of pardoning going on these days. All of the most famous American republicans have been featured pardoning turkeys this week, animals and humans alike. So as a generally thoughtful young man, I got to thinking… who would I pardon if I could? This begs the inevitable follow-up question that always plagues this type of the-best, the-hottest, the-smartest [blank]; does the turkey being pardoned have to be alive? For the sake of positivity, let’s keep this one focused on the living. After all, thinking about the past can be so anti-Democratic these days.
No one can deny that this world has seen its share of turkeys over the last several millennia. Like that turkey Judas who allegedly sold out J.C. way back when the new testament was the freshest (most scandalous!) season of the Real World. Or how about that turkey Joe Lieberman Benedict Arnold who helped those lousy Republicans Redcoats try to overthrow the presidential election our destiny to be the world’s greatest nation? Granted there’s a few blanks to fill in here in the grand scheme of existence, but I think we all get the point.
This year, by the power vested in me by the Internet (anyone can be famous, it’s true!), I ceremoniously pardon director M. Night Shyamalan. When is this guy going to resume making films that are worth the price of admission (gas prices are down, yet theater ticket prices are still way up)? Two of my all time favorite movies are Unbreakable and Signs. It may not come as a surprise to note that I haven’t seen Lady in the Water or The Happening, given that I still openly tell people that I enjoyed Unbreakable and Signs. For several years now, I have looked at people and said “If he makes another bad movie, no one’s going to give him money to make another” and god-dammit if he hasn’t proved me wrong. As an originally semi-Philadelphian native, I have the greatest respect for M. Night and I greatly desire to see his return to the top. Therefore, a pardon is in order. The last two (or three) films are now forgiven, but let’s hope that today, Mr. Shyamalan is giving thanks that somebody out there still cares.