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Halloween: The Perfect American Holiday

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Yes, it’s true – the writing staff of Lifting Fog does recognize formerly Pagan holidays. While we work tirelessly every day of the year (that’s 24 hours a day, 7 days a week) (Editor’s note: …) to bring you the freshest, most poignant content on the web, we also take a moment to recognize a good time when we see one. Halloween is, was, and always will be that good time. From an age as young as 1 (look at the cute pumpkin-baby!), you are thrown into Halloween without so much as a rhyme or a reason. From what I understand, this trend is fairly pervasive in our society: everyone from every neighborhood, red or blue state, small or large city, respects the day like any other religious holiday. And given that every four years Halloween falls just 4 days before a presidential election, there’s never a time when I feel more patriotic while scrounging around for candy anywhere I can find it.

Some of my most vivid childhood memories happened on October 31st. Like the time I broke a well-established societal more (pronounced like the TV host) by taking more than one Reese’s from the unattended bowl out front of the house down the street from me. Despite my ability to read and the fact that there was a sign telling me not to, the spirit of the day (or the rush of eating my weight in sugar) compelled me to rebel. It was then that Mrs. W (for anonymity’s sake) busted her door wide open, cursed me, my parents, my friends, and anything else she could think of, and came running. Good thing I was on the middle school track team (Go Hurricanes!) and 50 years younger. But don’t confuse this recounting as repenting. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Check your history books: this country was founded on John Locke-ian principles of government, and unattended property is mine for the taking!

There’s no other holiday in which we are encouraged, again at a very young age, to use trickery to obtain large quantities of fat-rich, sugar-soaked mounds of pure golden goodness (read as: Reese’s Big Cups).

A Classic Costume

A Classic Costume

Sound familiar? The pioneers used the same strategy to fulfill our manifest destiny and trick a nation of rightful owners into giving up their land and gold. U-S-A! U-S-A! Finally, a celebration I can wrap my mind around: a celebration of candy, lying and deceiving, and the all important (as you get older, younglings) slutty female costumes.

Which came first, revealing female costumes or women’s liberation? This isn’t a trick question, nor is it a chicken/egg conundrum. Ever since I went to college (ages ago), I realized that once a year for one night (or usually a whole weekend) we turn the clocks back on the feminist movement in lieu of some fun! Who could forget such classic costumes as: slutty cop, slutty teacher, or slutty _____ (anything will do, trust me). Don’t get me wrong, while I enjoy some skin as much as the next bro, I am able to look past the costume to see someone’s inner “beauty”. Like when I walked a slutty fire-woman home last Halloween and she threw up in the bushes outside of my house. I felt like I really knew her then.

All I’m trying to say is that Halloween is the realization of the American spirit. Causing mayhem, scaring kids, and gorging on sweets are all secondary to the most important aspect of all: patriotism. There’s a reason we have Halloween to remind us of where we stand in the world 4 days before a presidential election. Because at the end of the day, no one parties as hard as we do, no one can shamelessly put away as much chocolate as we do, and no one, I mean NO ONE, understands the value of scantily clad women as much as we can. U-S-A!

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6 Responses to “Halloween: The Perfect American Holiday”

  1. JES Says:

    Halloween IS a strange holiday, isn’t it?

    A few days ago on Ursula Vernon’s Bark Like a Fish, Damnit! LiveJournal, somebody brought up the matter of the slutty costume tradition. “Why are they so skimpy?” went the question. “Aren’t there OTHER kinds of sexy looks for women?” e.g. slinky body stockings and gold-lamé sheaths (especially, I guess, given that in most areas of the country, Oct. 31 isn’t exactly the apex of summer heat).

    Ursula sensibly pointed out that it could very well be an economic choice: given that customers know it will probably be worn just once (no, not for THAT reason you sicko), and that they want (or think they want) sexy, and given that you as a costume manufacturer want to maximize your profit, well… Under the circumstances you want to use as little and as cheap materials as you can possibly get away with, for a given price point. Bingo: the police officer with a skirt the width of a belt.

  2. Henning Says:

    One thing that became astonishingly clear to me this Halloween is that for children, at least, the holiday only truly exists in the suburbs. Besides growing up with taxicabs and therapists, Manhattan-reared children (and most city-slicking kids, I’d wager) are denied the pleasure of a real Halloween. In lieu of houses, trick-or-treaters have to settle for Ethiopian restaurants and Jamba Juices. SUCKS. Because they come from money, creativity is wasted on Benetton-designed costumes and plaid masks. BUMMER. And worst of all, for security reasons, their parents are forced to accompany them on an already shitty route. DOUBLE BUMMER.

    Color me suburban proud, (Slutty) readers, at least on Halloween.

  3. DJ Steve Says:

    Agreed.

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