This Just In: I’m Driving

Idiots/Poor People Need Not Apply

Web 2.0: Idiots/Poor People Need Not Apply

Attention dear Fog blogists: I’m writing to you today from the US-101 (the Hollywood Freeway, that is) mid Starbucks sip. And no, I’m not stuck in traffic, I’m doing a healthy 70 mph (miles per hour, for our European audience). Web 2.0 is like a beautiful sunrise for me everyday. No, I’ve never been up early enough to enjoy an actual sunrise (has anyone?). (Editor’s note: Henning has) What I mean is that I watch a video of the sun rising (time lapse of course, I’m a busy person) everyday on YouTube. On my phone. In the car. While I’m driving. Do I have your attention yet? Do you think I’m a geek, a technophile, an asshole? Good. Because I just twittered about my hatred for anything older than 3G technology in the time it took you to judge me.

Now before you jump to conclusions, hear me out. You might say, ‘Hey, isn’t Web 2.0 a buzzword perpetuated by online intellectuals?’ or worse yet, ‘Hey, what’s Web 2.0?’ I don’t have the time to answer either question, unfortunately. My Facebook inbox and wall just simultaneously exploded because I changed my relationship status from “In a Relationship with…” to “It’s Complicated.” The fact of the matter is the only thing I have time for right now is maintaining my digital lifestyle and concentrating on the life-or-death necessity of staying 5 steps ahead of my best friend. I’d rather die than find out my moron of a boss (re: still using iTunes 7) upgraded his iPhone firmware to before me.

If I can’t send emails from any cave or canyon on the planet, what’s the point of waking up in the morning? I once won a text messaging competition to win an iPhone case while in line at 8AM on July 10th for the iPhone I didn’t even own yet. True story. And can you sense any regret in the sound of my voice? If you could, at least it would be in 3G clarity. This is why I could never be your run-of-the-mill modern day terrorist: if I can’t videochat with the 7 virgins in heaven after I die, how am I ever supposed to communicate get them to have sex with me? Talking is so retro these days, the thought of it makes me wonder how anyone got anything accomplished before 2006. Since there are no Google Documents or Twitter updates dated before then, I can only assume work and self expression never existed. Lolz lmfao!

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5 Responses to “This Just In: I’m Driving”

  1. Gunky Slug Says:

    with no particular connection to the subject matter – it’s really weird that my iTunes just queued up “Phosphorous” by Blame It On Eve, just as I completed reading this particular Absurd, but true, Hyperlinked Edification

  2. JES Says:

    Hilarious post. The machine-gun rhythms, the unhinged rambling. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear you were mid-sip in your 5th or 6th Starbucks when you wrote that.

    Perhaps unintentionally, its subject seems to be how 3G tech is the optimal level — that anything older OR newer verges towards shite.

    Wish I’d written this.

  3. JES Says:

    Er, “this” = “this blog post,” not “this comment.” I think I did write the latter.

  4. itsmerobbyg Says:

    starbucks + twitter + driving = heaven

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