More free association, this time around post-competition whoopie in the now empty Olympic Village and the crowning of that perfect Summer ’08 jam. Keep your arms and legs close to your body as you tumble further down the rabbit hole of my mind – it only gets weirder from here.
1) “You Sure You’re 16?” “Beijing Boom-Boom”
“Usain Bolt, you’ve just run the fastest 100m and 200m sprints in recorded history! What are you going to do now?” “I’m heading back to the Village and grabbing, like, 45 condoms. Then I’m going to have sex for two days!” “Heh-heh. But, uh, Disney World later – right, Thunder Bolt?” “If I can stand up straight. Really, I’ve got a pretty full schedule.” Honesty… pass it on. According to Matthew Syed of the London Times, the Olympic Village is a sex-fest on par with the naughtiest scenes in Caligula or Planet Earth. It makes sense. After months of carefully tuning their bodies for peak performance, athletes’ libidos are out of control. These are beautiful people, too (or at the very least, butterfaces or butHISfaces), marble sculpted men and women in the best shape of their lives. In an enclosed space. Far from home.
A swinging explosion is inevitable.
And everyone – from the world record holders to the disqualified to the so-so bronze medalists in-between – gets some… then gets some more. Syed remembers the experience in Barcelona: “Once we were eliminated from our respective competitions, we lunged at each other like suicidal fencers.” Disney World needs a new slogan – this is officially the happiest place on earth. If ever there were a way to get your kids to play sports, this is it (the prospect of hosting SNL might appeal to them, too).
2) THE Song of Summer 2008 Belongs to… Kid Rock? Really? Joe Dirt’s Arch-Nemesis?
It just kind of happens. Every summer, radios everywhere keep playing that one track again and again. The one with the catchy melody, the instantly singable chorus. By the time Labor Day rolls around, it’s been crowned the anthem of the season – an official icon of the soon to be gone dog days of summer. In 2006, it was very clearly Gnarl’s Barkley’s “Crazy”. Last year was dominated by Rihanna’s “Umbrella” (in all 26 of its iterations). It’s still unclear to me what singular track has defined 2008. Weezer’s new album didn’t really ignite. Coldplay sings about paintings. Lil Wayne’s Tha Carter III is pretty great, but doesn’t quite hit the mark, either. So what then?
Time Magazine’s Josh Tyrangiel says that in a field with no clear winner like in summers past, Kid Rock somehow takes home top honors. Watch his video analysis here. Pretty on target, if you ask me, but it’s a shame that “All Summer Long” is the best 2008 has to offer. It’s not altogether bad (neither is “I Kissed A Girl”)… but it’s nothing I want to remember, either. What do you think about the summer’s offerings?Any alternate suggestions? Or are you too busy re-watching “Camp Rock” on the Disney Channel?