Now On To More Important Business

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happy-easter-babiesDrunk on Inaugural boxed wine (of the figurative variety) last night I kept clicking the “Next” tab on my WordPress dashboard, hoping to stumble on one or five exciting new blogs. Something tapped into the national vein? Something hilarious? What I got was better than anything I could have imagined. People Magazine, sophisticated older sister to Us Weekly, has for an undetermined amount of time been maintaining a blog of such stature, such significance, that to describe it as “revolutionary” would be a gross understatement. Whittling out so much of their print magazine’s unwanted filler and streamlining the meatiest content, they’re bringing American women exactly what they want. That’s right – celebrity babies. Cartons of ‘em.

And with the convenience of a delivery crack service, post by tweaked-out post. Suri! Apple! Pilot Inspektor (this is a real baby name)! All your favorites are here and organized for your perusal. While I am not anatomically speaking a woman, and can’t speak with much knowledge on the hard-science subjects of “ticking biological clocks” or “cradle-craziness”, I do know that the fairer sex can’t get enough of babies. Their rolls of baby fat. Their soft baby hair. Unless there’s some Benjamin Button shit going on, a newborn will never want for female attention. Do we accept this as fact? Good. Ladies, your site primer:

1) Due Dates – In which the celebrity delivery calendar is laid out in slideshow format. The Mentalist‘s Maxine Bahns is due the end of February!!

2) Today’s Cutie – Or so the link says. Just more baby/expectant mother pictures, really. Did you know Gossip Girl‘s Kelly Rutherford named her son Hermes, like the Greek god? Classic Rutherford!!

3) Aussie – According to People Magazine, Aussies pump out more babies than any other developed nation on the planet. Is this to combat attrition brought on by dingoes? I’m curious. Also NAOMI WATTS!!

Ultimately, I found these categories to be somewhat misleading. Hard-hitting baby news was nowhere to be found, the entire site really just one messy shoebox of baby photos. Who wants that kind of mindless consumption (what)? But I digress. Whatever the value of People’s Celebrity Baby Blog, there’s no denying that it gives their audience exactly what they want. BABIES. ALL THE TIME. From a business angle, anyway, they’re perched atop a golden stroller – babies are recession-proof. And did I forget adorable? God, I want one.

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9 Responses to “Now On To More Important Business”

  1. Jodi Says:

    Despite the killer use of your Lit Hum/Greek mythology knowledge, Kelly Rutherford named her son not after the messenger god but after the super chic French fashion house Hermès. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse.

  2. Henning Says:

    Naming your baby after products and places is almost as totally real as naming your baby “Baby” or “Kid”, both of which still pale in comparison to “You” … or the much-discussed but rarely used “Him.” The last one’s a little egocentric IMO.

  3. Jodi Says:

    “It” is a personal favorite of mine. I predict pronouns will be the next celebrity baby naming trend. And if you haven’t yet reached your daily quota of people mag fun, peoplepets.com is debating what kind of dog the Obama’s should get. Personally, I’m Team Labradoodle.

  4. Mad Says:

    I love that this article that plays attention towards the insanity behind odd celebrating naming trends is written by none other than “Henning Barfoed Fog”. Personally, I prefer it when people rename themselves – like Sasha Fierce. Now that is catching on.

    I bet twenty bucks that the dog will be some breed that ends in -oodle. As for the name…. I’m hoping for something with extra cheese like “MLK” or “Lincoln” or “Change” or “First Black President’s Dog”. Just some ideas…

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  7. Shaunna Morge Says:

    surfing the net and downloading the godfather..just watched the black swan of natalie portman..very entertaining.

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